Games and Ghosting

“I’m so tired of being single. I mean, is there something wrong with me?”

“I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mom ever since I was a little girl but I’ve still yet to be in a relationship. My roommates are getting married and I cry in my room about still being single.”

“I just want my married friends to remember what it was like to be single for two seconds, to remember how much it hurt to watch everyone else get married, to stop telling me to be patient, to remember how bad it sucks to be single sometimes.”

These are quotes that I’ve heard from friends in the last little while, even some I’ve said myself. So I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking but don’t want to say because it sounds like we’re complaining:

Being single sucks.

There it is.

I’m trying to make it sound like I’m not complaining, because I’m really not complaining. I love the life I live and I’m so thankful that God has me where I am. But I, along with several others, we’re still longing for the thing we’ve been praying for since we were little: a spouse. And the older we get the more confused we’re becoming as to why we’re still single.

Now before you roll your eyes and think, “Oh, she’s just saying all of this so some boy will see it and take pity and she’ll get her way”, just give me a second to explain.

I grew up in a place where we pretty much had to ignore the fact that the opposite sex existed but the second we turned 18, we’d better be married and have 4 kids by 22. Y’all, I’m 23 going on 24 so I’ve missed that window and I’ve got friends that are in their late 20’s and early 30’s that are in the same boat. We’re feeling like freaks because things didn’t happen the way it “was supposed to” but all we hear is “just keep praying and be patient.”

With all due respect, WE ARE waiting and praying! That’s all we’ve done. But we’re not being pursued, we’re being ghosted and ignored and if we even look at someone and our friends catch it, it’s made into a bigger deal than what it is and then we’re running the opposite direction before something even happens. And then when something does start to happen, games are played instead. Not texting or calling back, only contacting the other at weird times, or my least favorite, we get ignored and then 2 seconds later they’re moving on to a friend of ours without even the decency to say, “Hey, I don’t think this is going to work out.”

“I don’t have time for these games. I want something that’s real.”

Read that again.

A sweet friend said this to me a couple of weeks ago and I couldn’t agree with her more. We’re past the point of mind games and the he said, she said. Social media is getting on all of our nerves because it’s this fake stuff we look at everyday that sends us into the pits because our lives don’t look like our Pinterest boards and Instagram feeds. We’re growing up and looking for something that’s going to last. We’re not looking for a Hallmark or Disney movie moment ( as much as I’m a sucker for those, I know that’s not what reality is), we’re looking for commitment.

So, what do we do? As single people, what’s the plan? As married friends how can you be a support to your struggling single friends? Fellas, what can you do to show a girl you’re interested? Ladies, what can you do to stop the cycle of games and heartbreak and pits of sadness?

For my single people: We keep trusting that God has a plan. We keep praying that He prepares our hearts for the relationship He has for us. We continue to serve Christ and His church, love our neighbors and friends, serve in the ministries in our churches, we keep proclaiming His name to any and everyone. But most importantly, we keep clinging to Jesus. We keep laying it all down at His feet, we tell Him that we’re tired and discouraged in our singleness. We pray that He keeps pulling us closer and closer to Him in our times of tears and despair. Friends, He already knows every bit of our hearts but He still wants us to cry out to Him. I know it hurts, I know it’s hard, but I know that Jesus is better. I know that if we’re living to glorify Him, He is pleased.

For my married people: I know you’ve been where we are. I know that you spent your single days in prayers, in waiting, in tears, and frustrations. I know that now that you’re on the other side you can look back and see how God used all of it for His glory and that you might even feel silly for the way you acted. But for your single friends, they’re in those pits that you were, sometimes they want to hear all about the beauty of your marriage, but sometimes we just want you to remind us that you get it. That you know how hard it was and how much it sucked. Sometimes we don’t need advice and encouragement, sometimes we need to hear, “I get it. It sucks.” Pray for your single friends, pray that the Lord would be near in our heartache and struggles, pray that He prepares our hearts for a marriage that glorifies Him. Pray the prayers that you prayed for yourself. And maybe check in with your single friend when yet another friend gets engaged, as happy as they are, their heart aches a little more than it did before.

Fellas: Be a man. Quit acting like dumb high school boys and be the man that you were taught to be. The games aren’t going to help anyone, it’ll only hurt. Don’t keep girls guessing, don’t just assume they know how you feel. Step up, say what you need to and go on. If there’s a girl you’ve been eyeing for a while but you don’t think you have a chance, ask her anyway. Pursue her, not online or over text, show up at church and approach her, call her every once in a while, no one does that anymore and it’ll speak volumes. But most importantly, pursue Christ more than you pursue a wife. We can’t be led and loved well if you aren’t following after Jesus with every fiber of your being. 

Ladies: Be the woman God is calling you to be. We can’t play games either. Don’t push him aside just because you *think* he’s not the guy for you. Don’t build your walls so high that no one can climb them. Don’t leave him on read for 3 hours, don’t act ditzy just to make yourself seem cute, and don’t lead him astray by words you say, clothes you wear, and how you act. I know we’re pressured more than anything to look and be a certain way, but a Godly man will look for a Godly woman to be his wife. A husband will not be our savior who will make us feel loved and beautiful and worthy. Only Jesus will satisfy. Let me say that again: A husband will not be our savior who will make us feel loved and beautiful and worthy. Only Jesus will satisfy. Follow so hard after Christ that he’ll have to find Him to get to you. Jesus is the only one that satisfies all your needs and desires. So keep serving Him. Keep loving your friends and family, keep serving the church, keep pursuing Christ.

Maybe the best way to stop all the games and heartaches is to change. Maybe it’s time to change the way we approach singleness and relationships. Both are glorifying to God, they both bring us closer to Him, and neither are the means to an end. We can worship God in our relationships just as much as we can in singleness and vice versa. We can pursue Christ in our singleness just as much as we can in our relationships. Maybe we should just start looking at all of this as a way to glorify God, because at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about? We weren’t created to live, get married, have kids, and die. We were made to bring glory to God and make His name and kingdom known.

I’m struggling just as much as the next person in my singleness. I’m getting tired of it and I’m starting to wonder what could be wrong with me. But I’ll let you in on a secret: this struggle comes and goes. On the one hand, I want to move forward and have a relationship that leads to marriage. But on the other, this time with my family and friends in my singleness is such a sweet time. I’m able to look in these moments and savor it. I won’t get these moments back. I treasure the moments of laughter around the dinner table, long talks in my sisters apartment, honest conversations in the church parking lot after everyone has left, mission trips that lead to new friendships, impromptu trips to see Christmas lights, and staying late at work just to catch up. I lay in bed some nights and cry about having to be there alone, but then I revel in the fact that I get the bed all to myself for a while longer.

I know you’re struggling and I know it sucks, I’m right there with you. But I also know that Jesus is better and that He’s going to get all the glory out of this. So keep clinging to Him, keep chasing after Him and His promises. Keep making His name known and keep serving. Stop playing games and be the change that you want to see. There’s going to be hard parts in every part of life, but choose to find the joy.

I love you, friends. I’m praying for you.